Being in a bad relationship

Why am I still with him? Where is this relationship heading to? Maybe I should be asking if we have even taken a baby step or still crawling on our asses.
Unlike others whose partners came with angelic faces and later changed, mine came in its original state. This is no case of being blinded with love. Don't just call it a mistake, call it a handsome mistake.

When you asked for my number I heard your friends mumbling, "you like girls too much" so I fled. At least I thought I did until I saw you on that balcony screaming for me to give you my contact. You didn't care about the numerous people passing by. It was just like a telenovela, so romantic. You knew my name and where to find me. I was impressed. I couldn't scream my number out loud so I took yours instead.

He was emotionally supportive. When I had exams and refused to see him, he'd still visit and read my notes to me, posing as a lecturer and asking examinable questions. His friendship felt like drinking chilled water on a sunny day. His beautiful eyes would stair at me like the only safe place in a coronavirus infected city. It's either he stays or leaves and gets infected. I thought we were all scared of the virus, some are not.

So I got a message from his phone.
"Please can you leave my boyfriend alone"? the message read.
"Okay", I replied and turned to my boyfriend to ask where his phone was.

Sigh He left it at a friend's place, he claimed. I showed him the text. All he could say was and you replied okay to her?

The cheating expeditions was far from being over but I still stayed. (Don't roll your eyes). Maybe his good sides and the beautiful memories made it difficult to leave. But it was like being in a relationship with LIES in a human form.

I hold no grudges. Do you know why? Because all the times you sounded like a new year resolution, there were still red lights and yet I paid no attention.

Instead I'd join Celine Dion in singing "love doesn't ask why, ....Don't ask me if this feeling's right or wrong
It doesn't have to make much sense
It just has to be this strong... "

All these while he would be singing
"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide"

It wasn't healthy I admit and I thank God for the breakup. But why don't I regret it all? How was that even possible? I don't know which wrong moves you have taken in your love life. I'm still trying to understand my reasons for certain decisions. I couldn't do it alone so I got true self to share her opinion.
NB this post is inspired by sacred search by Gary Thomas.

*WHAT MAKES IT BAD FOR YOU?*

1. It feels 'wrong'. You can't define wrong but it just feels so.
2. *There's some form of disrespect*. Could be multiple cheating with fake remorse, mean comments camouflaged as jokes, your opinions not considered.
3. *There's oppression*. You cannot be yourself. Need bae's approval for everything. 'Fool' more in their absence. Sometimes wishes for things to end so as to be free.

WHY DO YOU STAY?

1.You feel inferior. She's a 10 and you are a 4. You thank your lucky stars everyday for having her, even if she's obviously not into it as much as you are.
2.Desire for specialness. Other guys barely spare you a glance but he worships your body. He's the only one that makes you feel like you count.
3.You think you are special. So he has many girlfriends but you are the one he loves most. You are the one that will get him to give up alcohol and be a good dad to his children.
4.Fear. Your are afraid to disappoint partner, family, friends, etc. Afraid of the many what ifs. What if you don't find another? Can't start all over again at 30 for sure.

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO

1. BE YOURSELF. DISCOVER YOURSELF

When we say self love, we mean find yourself. You can only fully love yourself when you know yourself fully.
You'd realize that nothing outside of you can make or break you. That you are already whole and complete.
In your true self, you'd know that not only are you worthy and special, but that you are no more special than the other person.

2. Listen more to your intuition. If it feels wrong, it probably is. If at any point you ever feel that there's something wrong, just breathe, relax, and ask yourself for guidance. Trust your inner voice and exist.

When you leave a relationship which wasn't good for you, it doesn't mean you stop loving the person. Do not make them into enemies blamed for all your troubles.
Never regret any experiences in this life, they are all very beautiful gifts.
Live your life in full awareness of yourself, doing whatever pleases you, free of fear and eager to explore. True love attracts true love.