CLOTHED IN LONELINESS

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“I’m alone, not lonely,” I’d say to myself repeatedly. But who am I trying to deceive? Sometimes   when I’m all by myself, I get a positive vibe. I’d travel the world  in my mind, lecture in many top universities in the world and even have fun with my unborn kids. That’s totally fine with me. I find please in my solitude. What I hate is feeling disconnected from my relationships.

I’m someone’s daughter, right? I love being a big sister. Of course I enjoy sending my siblings on errands and I do enjoy taking care of them too. I love being someone’s precious bae. I definitely love my friends. So if the lights of a relationship goes off, loneliness plaques my world with darkness.

I believe in “happy yourself.” That’s not to say people don’t make me happy. I’m saying I don’t depend on people for my happiness. My fear is that if I put my happiness in the hands of others, once they leave my life they take my happiness along with them. I remember going to watch productions alone; I enjoyed it. Alone but not lonely. So what’s the matter?

“My advice to you is this. Do not attempt to stand alone. …The most fatal thing a man can do is try to stand alone”. Carson McCullers, The heart is a lonely Hunter.

The matter is that humans are social beings, sociology taught me that. We love to interact. We want to share our lives with people we care about. I  want to talk about how fun or adventurous my day was. I want to tell someone about the delicious food I cooked today. I also want to be there for someone, to listen to whatever they wish to share with me.

“What remained? Loneliness, or worse still, far worse because it so deeply degraded the spirit, a life of perpetual subterfuge, of guarded opinions and guarded actions, of lies of omission if not of speech, of becoming an accomplice in the world’s injustice by maintaining at all times a judicious silence, making and keeping the friends one respected, on false pretences, because if they knew they would turn aside, even the friends one respected.” Radcliffe Hall, The well of Loneliness.

Sometimes I find myself among loving souls and yet I get lost in my own world. I figured it’s not always about the company. I have a big role to play to feel connected. You have to get involved to be involved.

Some years ago, Christmas never enthused me. Valentine’s day was also just another day to feel lonely. When my birthday throws me a party of loneliness then my tinny little eyes will just shower my pretty face with tears.
All that was my fault. I never made plans for anything. But I changed. If I want to have fun I make it happen. Christmas is coming sweethearts, if you don’t want to feel lonely and left out, plan something and plan ahead.
One thing I realized about loneliness is the fact that it made me a better offer to value my relationships. Because when I felt disconnected, I also felt empty. You call someone you badly need to talk to and that  person is not available. Things like this happen once in a while and I’m able to deal with them.  After dealing with them, I try to invest a different kind of energy into my daily activities. But hey, I don’t need to experience loneliness to value my relationship. Loneliness, back off!

I try to figure out the cause of my loneliness.  I realized it was because my parents were not around. My little sister just got admitted to university and is trying to be on her own. My bro is equally busy with his life. The calls were no longer flowing, thanks to the recent 9 percent talk tax. But no,I refuse to wear this dress of loneliness for too long.

To me, to prolong loneliness is a No ❌ Go area. It has anger as a sister, depression as a brother, stress as a mother, mental illness as a father, poor  sleep as an in-law and the family tree can not get better.

I’d rather listen to good music,  read a good book than allow loneliness to drag me to hell. Change your lifestyle if you have to. Reconnect with your good friends and enjoy the love of your family. Don’t wait for people to come to you, make the move, it won’t change the size of your brain.

I got back to my friends and family.  I made an effort to feel good, and it worked. Don’t be in denial, face it and deal with it.

Don’t be in your own mind if it’s full of negativity. We got power over our emotions. Loneliness is never a fact. its just a garment you cannot wear for long. It will stink, and when it does you will need therapy as a detergent.

Be clothed in happiness, it’s the best design.

Thanks for visiting.